*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
me logging onto twitter
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.