Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
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If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it