JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.