Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
You Might Also Like
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
The honesty is refreshing
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell