Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.