one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
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Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Saw online –
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Not😆🤣
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper