Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
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I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch