Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
They got Raph!
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading