me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
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Mornin
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
*bites zombie*
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”