[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
You Might Also Like
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?