“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”