I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?