The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.