*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
You Might Also Like
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
This kid is going places
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?