Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.