PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
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*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else