#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes