If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
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I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
life finds a way
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me