No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.