My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Not recommended for beginners.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.