Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
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Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.