My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
They grow up so quick
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese