me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
You Might Also Like
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*