My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
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When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
good work, detective
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Saturday
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
so i’m at the stock market right
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.