[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
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Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31