Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
You Might Also Like
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..