You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me: