Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.