[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
inside you are two wolves
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*eats only grass-fed donuts
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
S O O N
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Worst bar ever.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.