Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
You Might Also Like
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Where’s my employee discount too?
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.