I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Important reminders
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
man i love columbo
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?