*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.