Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
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Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
How does one answer this?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.