Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
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I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
me when I see my crush
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
White Castle for the Win
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
THE AUDACITY. 😤