When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
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Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*