Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
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BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.