Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My god she’s good.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
The big book of baby names but for safe words
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
this is what they would have looked like, though
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.