Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
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Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze