ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?