Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
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Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.