if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
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Haha good job!!
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order