Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.