interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
As the Lord intended
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
moms in horror movies
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Oh boy, $150,000!
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked