Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
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Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.