Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
No, I don’t think I will.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.