HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
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Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up