Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
You Might Also Like
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.