A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.