My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
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Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
🤣could you imagine
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him