New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas